photo courtesy of my sister
Can I just admit for a quick second how painful this has been?
Over the last several months, God has slowly but surely chiseled away at everything that I held high above Him. And a lot of that was because of the control issues I had. I fully believed that I could control many situations; I may not have said it out loud, but I certainly told God to take a back seat because I'm driving. What a joke.
God has so lovingly held me (and us, for that matter) through this process as He has chipped away our hard, exterior selves and this in turn has forced us to willingly surrender everything we have to Him. I'm talking about the wants and idols we had placed above and before Him. For me (let's be honest for a minute here), I had placed before Him my idolatry of wanting things done on my time, my way. I had placed Him behind those things because I felt that I could control those very things on my own.
If you can just imagine the wake up call that He gave me, times it by about 100. God showed me very quickly, and lovingly, how I had decided to take those reins back from Him and drive that buggy. I was in control of the very train that was wrecking my life. Comparison stole my joy, and the devil laughed at his accomplishment. The beauty of all of that though? God never left me. He never quit on me. He stood with me when I realized with utter embarrassment that I had allowed myself to become another pawn for the devil to undermine all of His work.
And that was when I lost control, giving it all over to Him. The weight of the world I was carrying left my shoulders in an instant and I could breathe deeper. Now I'm no fool and I know those temptations to regain control will creep back in (and it's already happening), but I also know my God is stronger than that. He will have His way with me, and my life, however He sees fit for His glory.
I've lost control. And I don't want it back.