First and foremost, I want to say thank you so so much to all of the sweet words and prayers for Lindsey. Ya'll have no idea how much those little things mean.
Okay (claps hands), now for the fun stuff.
Ya'll know I'm all about transparency. I believe in allowing (and owning up to) your flaws to be known to those around you. By being real up front, people may be a little less harsh on you for your mistakes. I do feel that Christians are constantly placed into fish bowls and monitored 24/7 by society and their peers, just waiting for them to mess up. Heck, look at Tim Tebow. He is scrutinized almost daily for his faith.
With that being said, I'm real on this blog. What you see is who I am everyday. It's like I've always told people, I am who I am. If you don't like it, not really my problem. I'm only here to please one person and that's the Big Man Upstairs. So what I'm about to share with ya'll is who I am. It's my struggle. It's my flaw.
I'm the type of person where I will trust you wholeheartedly from the get go. Stupid? Possibly. I'm also that person that if you completely null and void that trust with me, you will never get the full trust back from me. You become an arms-length relationship where basically I have forgiven you, I have moved past the issue, but I will not forget what you did. Not as a grudge to hold over your head. But just as a precautionary so that the next time that that trust is ruined (if, it doesn't always happen), I won't be hurt like I was before.
It's my defense mechanism.
So here's my struggle, and my question for ya'll. Is that wrong of me to have an arms-length relationship with someone and say that I want to love like Jesus? Because Jesus loved and still loves and will love regardless of how many times that trust is broken. I just studied a chapter in Nehemiah that perfectly demonstrates that relationship: we're constantly breaking that trust but by God's grace alone and Jesus' death on the cross, we are forgiven.
I've had more conversations with Hunter about this than I care to count. He is, after all, my voice of reason and he's always turning to the bible for answers. Hunter has encouraged me to pray about it because that is something that I wrestle with daily. I have certain friends that I keep at arms-length. I have certain family members that I keep at arms-length.
The spirit side of my soul says hey, dodo brain, if you want to love like Jesus you need to put that outstretched arm down and really love them. Then the flesh/human side of my soul says nah, you don't want to get burned again.
So where do I draw the line in the sand? If I keep certain folks at arms-length distance then have I really truly forgiven like Jesus would want me to? I feel like I have forgiven, though, and that's where my problem lies. The struggle is real ya'll.
I know I need to pray about it, and I will. I need to have faith that I can trust God to take this over and do with it as He sees fit. Funny, isn't it? I have to trust Him wholeheartedly to know that He's got this, and not keep Him at an arms-length distance. Ha! What an epiphany!!